Misery

There is a distance between us: a void that no amount of small talk, movies, alcohol or drugs can fill; no amount of time can bridge; and no amount of sex can mend.

I feel as though I have, once again, been cheated out of happiness. I feel as though God himself has reached down in the nick of time and snatched it away. “Nope, you can’t have this, you don’t deserve it.”

I have no elaborate, poetic misery to add to this. All I have to say has already been said.

You make me come.
You make me complete.
You make me completely miserable.
—Lit - Miserable—

Selfish

I’ve lost my faith in people. I have come to realize that, despite my best effort, despite how hard I try to be there for people and to include them in my life, and show that I care: I never reap the fruits of my labour.
I am not a complicated man. My needs are simple. I don’t expect the world nor for it to revolve around me. I just ask that my efforts be acknowledge rather than plucked apart for ulterior moves or, worse yet, for the people around me to be so blind that they don’t even notice how hard I really try.
This is a message to those whom have ever called me ‘friend’. To those who always said they cared or liked to get to know me but do nothing to show it. To those who will never make the effort to say hello first or just call to see how things are going. To those who won’t say a word for months and then try to embrace me in public like some long lost acquaintance when in reality I’ve always been they, just hoping you would notice.

To all those who ever said they loved me but never cared enough to take the dive, the risk, the leap of faith. To those who would not even wait for me.
The message is simply that I am done with you all. And, by the time you read this, if you ever read it, it will have been too late to do anything about it. In time, I will not even remember your names. I’m tired of feeling as those I am nothing in the lives of the people around me. I’m tired of trying so hard and getting nowhere. No respect, no justice, no compassion. I’m better off on my own.

(8)I think it’s time to get the f*ck out of here,
It seems I’ve over stayed my welcome.
The memories we shared will always be cherished,
But I think it’s wrong for you to be so selfish.
—Seilon - Selfish—

Short Story: Violet Hill

Here I quietly lay, holding onto my rifle the only friend I have in a place such as this. His once glorious wooden finish was now stained in the blood of the fallen though not a drop of it from my enemies. How I had survived so long only God would know but survive I have only to be left alone.

Here I lay in this hole,
Trying my best not to make a sound.
Hoping with all my faith,
Never to be found.

The brushes to my right rustle and the sound of a snapping twig makes me react without thinking twice. How I wish I had not done that, he did not even know I was there until I reacted. If only I had just stayed low he would have passed me straight. It is too late for regrets now as we stare down the barrel of each other’s weapon.
Here he is: my enemy. I had killed many however, since I was a sniper, never so close up. It was a strange feeling as we stared into each other’s eyes. He was scared and he rifle rattled nervously in his hands. He blinked constantly, his pupils wide and his feet nudging with uncertain steps.
Taking him out would be easy. My aim was true, my heart rate was slow and my fingers were unhesitating. In his state he wouldn’t be able to react quickly enough and if he did react, he would most likely miss.
I began to squeeze the trigger when a drop of water fell from the tree above me onto the finger holding it. It was warm and gentle and it made me stop. It was as though this drop of water was the soft touch of a woman’s hand telling me not to kill him. I lost my concentration and by the time I regained it the man had pulled his trigger.
*click* went the sound of his gun. His eyes widened. He down at his weapon, up again me and pull a few more times. *click* *click* *click* It was jammed. I raised my riffle to his head and prepared to fire again. The man dropped his gun and fell to his knees, tears running down his face. How feeble my enemy was.
Then I remembered the drop of water again and as I looked at this man on the floor, the smell of fear rising from his body I started to wonder why. Why was this man my enemy? What grudge do I hold against him? Here I am, a foreigner to his lands pointing a gun at his head, threatening to take his life for protecting his home.
Why was I questioning this all of a sudden? I had killed many of his kind already, why compassion for this one? It was his eyes: it was looking right into his eyes. When you spend your days looking through a piece of glass to shoot your enemies hundreds of feet away, you don’t have to look into their eyes.
How did I get here? How did I become this? I didn’t want to be here in the first place. I was told to come here. I was told this was my enemy. I was told to kill because it was right and they were wrong and I followed blindly.
I began to miss my home. I missed my house. I missed the hill behind it upon which I would sit and watch the sun set with my wife. My wife: how I miss her too. I wonder what she could be doing right now. How she must worry, always afraid that the next letter she gets could be the last one regarding me. I want to see her. I don’t want to be here, putting bullets into strangers. I just want to do home.
With that I lowered my rifle. The man I once called enemy was confused. I smiled at him, turned around and began to walk away. How long had I been here, 9 months? That would have been long enough for my wife and me to have a child. Now there is an idea, but for now I could do with some home cooked food.
That was the last thought to past through my mind before the bullet did. I should have known better, they always carry secondary weapon, and just because I don’t consider him my enemy doesn’t me no longer considers me his. Take care my love, I will miss you.

I took my love down to violet hill
There we sat in snow
All that time she was silent still

So if you love me
Won’t you let me know? If you love me,
Won’t you let me know?

Song: Haunted

You haunt my dreams.
Tou taunt my soul.
You took away the best of me.
Now just leave me alone.

So slowly I breathe,
Cause I feel so cold.
Oh how my heart grieves,
From the pain it has known.

And I want you to know,
That I’m fine on my own.
And all the lies you tell,
Will take you straight to hell.

You made me break free.
Yeah you made me believe.
Then you took it all away.
Oh baby how you deceive.

And I want you to know,
That I am fine all alone.
And all the lies you tell,
Will take you straight to hell.

But it seems i lost myself,
On my way down falling from grace.
And the things you’ve done,
Have left me broken with this smile on my face.

But as I waste my days away,
Behind this smile that never fades.
You will never know of the pain,
You cause me every single day.

So slowly I breathe,
Cause I feel so cold.
Oh how my heart grieves,
From all the shit it has known.

And I want you to know,
That I’m fine on my own.
And all the lies you told,
Will haunt me till I am old.

Yeah I want you to know,
That I am fine on my own.
And in convincing you,
I will convince myself too.

Seilon - Blind

Today makes it two years since my best friend Kareem passed away. He fell asleep in the back seat of a car and the driver (who was drunk) drive off the road into the median between the two sides of the highway the were on. The car flipped over sending Kareem through the glass and onto the other side of the highway. He cracked open his skull, deflated on side of his lung along with breaking most of his ribs on that side of his body. He was in a comma for 3 weeks before his heart gave out.

I started righting the song Blind when he went into the comma (the chorus) and I finished it when he finally passed away. When people hear it they think that it’s a suicide song but in reality it’s a song about bidding your final adieus to the people and things you knew and loved. I just thought to myself, “what would Kareem have wanted to saying during those 3 weeks, if he could have, if he knew he was going to die.” and so Blind was born. Hope you like it Kareem, and I hope you all like it too. (Do keep in mind I recorded this at home with no real professional audio equipment)

[Verse]
Good,
good bye,
to all the things i knew.
Stay,
Stay by,
my side as I fall through.

[Hook]
I’ve seen it all,
i rise i fall,
I haven’t seen anything at all.
Take care my friends,
live with no regrets,
I wish you all the best.

[Chorus]
And I know I can’t see,
but it does not mean,
that I am blind.
And I know I can’t speak,
but it does not mean,
I cannot hear you.

[Verse]
Well,
Farewell,
to all the ones I love.
Stay,
Stay safe,
I’ll be watching from above.

[Hook]
I played my part,
played with all my heart,
I didnt even get to start.
Take care my girl,
You were my world,
will you be at my funeral.

[Chorus]
And I know I can’t see,
but it does not mean,
that I am blind.
And I know I can’t speak,
but it does not mean,
I cannot hear you.

[Chorus]
And I know I can’t see,
but it does not mean,
that I am blind.
And I know I can’t speak,
but it does not mean,
I cannot hear…

[Bridge]
Come speak to me,
come sing for me,
come pray for me tonight.

I’ll be listening,
be watching,
So long as you do not to cry. 

 Seilon - Blind

 The secret: His death was my fault. The night of the accident he and I were hanging out. Normally I’d give him a ride home, but this once I felt irritated that I had to always be dropping him home so I lied and told him I was feeling tired and that he should find his own way home. That kind of guilt stays with you for life. It’s why I basically accept all the bad things that happen to me. I figure it’s my punishment for send my best friend to his grave.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

I wonder if I lived my life too hastily. I wonder if thought too quickly, loved too easily and let go before I ever really had a chance to realize to what I was holding on. I can feel the emotional fatigue of a life lived in rushed romance: Their memories linger on my soul; their tears are like the blood in my veins: forever saturating every cell in my body with the consequence of my transgressions.
I wonder if I ever really knew what it meant to love someone. I wonder if all the times I said “I love you” were ever true; even the ones I really thought I meant. This is the first time in my life I have ever really questions my heart. I use to live my life with an unhesitating certainty that I knew exactly how I felt. I thought I knew my heart better than anyone else knew their own.
However, if my heart was always so sure of who it loved, why is it that it sometimes feels nothing at all? Why is it I can so easily brush aside my feels for someone? Can you really call it love if you can control it? I thought the bitter sweet tragedy of love was in its uncontrollability. I told her I loved her so many times, and I felt I meant it so strongly. Why is it then, now that she’s gone, the memory of her no longer makes my heart jump a beat?
I had a dream a few nights ago. In this dream someone I liked got a boyfriend and the moment I found that out I felt my heart twist. I felt as though I loved her. But, then I wondered if the only reason I loved her was because she was no longer unavailable. Perhaps what I consider love is really just a need for a challenge. There is a competition in me: a need to prove I can accomplish something. Is love just game to me?
In the dream I asked a man if he had ever been in love. He replied by saying, “No, but I’d sure like to try it someday.”
I said, “me too” as I began to cry. I woke up with those thoughts in my head and I felt that it wasn’t right to be so unsure of myself. I decided I needed time to figure myself out because up until this very moment I’m not sure if I’m even capable of loving someone. I’ve broken too many hearts in the name of my so called love. I can no longer afford to be unsure of my feelings. So, until I know for sure, I walk alone.

I walk a lonely road,
The only one that I have ever known.
Don’t know where it goes,
But it’s home to me and I walk alone.

Green Day – Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Final Request

If your choice is as final as you say it is, respect my final request and Never look at this page again. Promise me this. Enjoy the rest of your life.

 Mulu.

Reasons/Excuses

Kareem my brother. I wonder what you think of me as you look down upon me. I wonder what you think of the choices I make and the mistakes I have made. Do you shake your head in disatisfaction or do you smile in lenient understand of the things I go through?
In life we were the best of friend yet even you knew of how cruel I could be. You warned so many of my ways and kept me believing i was a good guy even though you knew I really wasn’t.
I wonder when I changed. What was the exact moment I went from the love struck puppy boy straight out of a Disney movie to just another asshole from the pages of reality? I use to believe in love and that it was the epiphany of life’s purpose. That you only needed to find it once and your world would be complete. Perhaps it was the day I told a girl ‘I love you’ and her first response was not ‘I love you too.’ Up until that moment it never occured to me that there was any other respond. More so, the last thing I expected her to say was that she’d never love me. Maybe that was the moment something broke in me. Perhaps it was the time I told a girl ‘I love you’ and 2 days later she went back to her ex. Maybe even the day I couldn’t tell a girl I loved her because her lips were pressed against another’s lips.
I use to believe in trust too. I use to be able to take someone’s word for something without even the hint of doubt. When did that change? When did the seed of doubt seep so deep into my bones? Perhaps it was when I was 9 and I told my ‘best friend’ a secret and he blurted it out 1 day later, resulting in the rest of my years at that school being less than memorable. Perhaps when I found out that the people I considered friends in high school were really stealing from me behind my back and laughing at my gullibility. I find it ironic that one of them is dead now. Karma is a bitch.
I use to believe in friendship too, but that belief died when I realized that all my life I never had a single friend. And the one true friend I finally got I ended up sending to his grave. I’m sorry for that my brother. I should have been the one to die that night. You were a far better man than me.
Perhaps all the things that i’ve been through and the man I have become can be blamed on those who hurt me so unforgivingly. Or maybe I’m just bring over critical and should stop blaming others for my own stupidity. Yeah, I think that’s more like it. My reasons are not more than excuses. This is my life to live and I must cut my own path not wallow in the butchered remains of my past.
I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I say and do cruel things and judge when I should not. But that does not make me a bad person. For so long as I strive to do what is right and mourn the thing I do wrong I am a good person and I deserve a good life, and some day I will make right the things I’ve done wrong. That is my promise to myself.

How the hell did we wind up like this.
Why weren’t we able,
To see the signs that we missed,
And try to turn the tables.
Now the story’s played out like this.
Just like a paperback novel.
Let’s rewrite an ending that fits,
Instead of a hollywood horror.

Someday, somehow,
gonna make it allright but not right now,
I know you’re wondering when.

Nickelback - Someday

Unknown

A life with you is full of uncertainty. I can see the thick cloud of gray that covers that road. It scares me to consider walking it. Perhaps it would be easier to stick to the path before me. Atleast here i know where I am going and where I will end up. There are no surprises, no unanswerable questions and no moments of deep sorrow. It is the safe choice.
However, does that make it the right choice? Does easy equal destiny? Perhaps it is this unknown that holds the true purpose of my life. And sure, it may be filled with heartache, lose, tragedy, guilt and misery, but it could also hold hope and true happiness. A road so rough and taunting cannot be without its rewards. I’d like to believe that it is a risk worth taking, because the sweet is never so sweet without the sour. I’d rather a life of blissful uncertainty than one of boring predictability. Sometimes tragedy and destiny walk the same path. Sometimes, true love and true happiness can be found on the road less travelled. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
Do you have the strength of heart and faith to walk this road with me? I do and I will be waiting at this cross road for you, because even though our eyes will be blind, we’ll still have each others’ hands held tight.

And I am falling into grace,
To the unknown to where you are.
And faith makes everybody scared.
It’s the unknown, the don’t know,
That keeps me hanging on to you.

Lifehouse - Unknown

My Sacrifice

I’m sorry for how things turned out. I’m sorry for words said and unsaid over and over again. I didnt mean for any of it to happen. I didn’t mean to be so harsh or to act so childish or to treat you with such disdain. My heart was just looking for ways to express things my body didn’t know how.
I realise that I wasn’t enough for you. You wanted things in me that I just didnt have or couldn’t give at the time. I just didn’t fit the frame of the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with and I probably never will. But that’s ok because now you have that someone and you’re happy and I’m happy for you.
Just know that to me you were always enough. I just want you. It didn’t matter to me what you did or accomplished or what you wore. I didn’t care about what your friends thought or what my friends though or what was socially acceptable. It wouldn’t have mattered to me if you were a failing junior high school student with bad taste in clothes. I wouldnt have loved you any less because I knew from the moment I laid eyes on you that I’d love you for life.  I just wanted you for you.
Once you loved me and I loved you, that’s all that mattered to me. And though I was never able to fully express that love to you just know that it’s there. Forever and always, and I don’t need to prove that to anyone because as long as I know and you know then the world is alright.
And if our relationship was the price paid to make you understand the world a little better. To understand love a little bit better. Then it was a price worth paying to open your eyes just a little bit more.

‘Cause when you are with me,
I’m free, I’m careless,
I believe.
Above all the others,
We’ll fly.
This brings tears, to my eyes.

My Sacrifice…

Creed - My Sacrifice